From: btennison@jb.com
Subject: Humor
Date sent: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 14:27:21 -0800

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's
collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our
cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign
from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I
agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi
continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few
big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I
think I'll wait for the police."

******************************************************

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were having a friendly discussion on
the beginning of life. The priest stated that life begins at the moment
of conception, and used many of the church's doctrines as backup. The
minister disagreed with him and stated that life begins at the moment of
birth, also using many of his church's doctrines. The rabbi disagreed
with both and stated that life begins when the dog dies and the children
move out.

********************************************************

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says bless me father for I have
sinned, I have been with a loose woman. The Priest says "Is that you
Tommy?" "Yes father, it is me." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I
cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest
asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley"? "No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No father, I cannot tell you." The
priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your
sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew, and his buddy Sean slides over and asks,
"What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail
Marys, and three good leads."

**********************************************************************

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps
gently on the door. When the owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please,
sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in
several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by
supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing.
However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and
a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good
meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks
on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit
down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank
you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know.
It's not a Porch. It's a BMW."

******************************************************************

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear
hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, the
pastor and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off
the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain -- with the bear in hot
pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle
flying in one direction and breaking both his legs. As the bear closed
in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I
have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a
Christian. Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet,
fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this
food which I am about to eat.''

*****************************************************************



A comparison between Drug dealers and Software developers.

--------------------------- ---------------------------
Drug dealers----------------- Software developers
-----------------------------------------------------------

Refer to their clients---------- Refer to their clients
as "users".-------------------- as "users".

"The first one's free!"---------"Download a free trial version..."

Have important South-East---Have important South-East
Asian connections------------Asian connections
(to help move the stuff).------(to help debug the code).

Strange jargon:---------------Strange jargon:
"Stick," "Rock,"-------------- "SCSI," "VB,"
"Dime bag," "E".-------------- "Win95," "Replication".

Realize that there's------------ Realize that there's
tons of cash in the-------------tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old------------ 14- to 25-year-old
market.------------------------market.

Job is assisted by the---------- Job is assisted by
industry's producing----------- industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes.----- newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company---- Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers.--------- marketing people and venture
------------------------------- capitalists.

Their product causes----------- DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem
unhealthy addictions.-----------'Nuff said.

Do your job well, and----------Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.


*******************************************

Thought for the day:
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a workstation....