From: btennison@jb.com
Subject: Humor
Date sent: Mon, 10 Feb 1997 21:59:48 -0800

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we voided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

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Bumper Stickers Seen About Town:

MY KARMA RAN OVER MY DOGMA.

THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE.

TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE

I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN.

WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION.

YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT!

IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE WITH MEAT?

FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT.

I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.

LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.

ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.

SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM.

PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.

FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.

WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE.

WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF "SMART."

MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT.

HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.

I SMILE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATH.

VERY FUNNY SCOTTY. NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES.

PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY.

CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.

WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T.

WHY IS "ABBREVIATION" SUCH A LONG WORD?

EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?

DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK.

I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.

"AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -DOROTHY

LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.

ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.